My First Bribery Experience.


My cousins just returned from the U.S, Singapore and Poland. As expected, we went Cruising around the financial capital of Nigeria. We decided to add extra spice by doing a detour of Lagos, wrong idea *moon face*. We kept taking random pictures everywhere, driving by as much stunning places as we could in other to take fantastic pictures as well as be on the hunt for beautiful ladies, Man’s gonna do what he gonna do (mischievous smiley).

Apparently we were on the Island then. We continued our tour from Four Point by Sheraton, into Lekki proper, which is quite a rich residential part of Lagos Nigeria, then head to Eko hotel. Apparently we had the Car, the vibe, the devices, the time and the money to throw around during our adventure like buy stuffs to make it all fun you know but Little did we know we were up for a deeper adventure.

During the course of our navigation, it was fun and mind blowing.

Well because I have very crazy cousins you can as well expect a lot of drama. At some point because the car was a convertible, we opened the roof so we can take as much pictures as we liked easily also to open ourselves to potential hook-ups. (well my cousins like to think Nigeria is as wild as the U.S). While driving, we saw a police vehicle headed straight so we felt damn that lane is free, we should take that too only for us to walk straight into the lion’s den. 


Oh shit we realized that when some police men stopped right in front of us accusing us of taking one way. What? This must be a joke I said, the same guys whose vehicle just took this road moment ago are accusing me of committing a crime, accusing us of committing a crime. Wonderful. If for anything, we were encouraged to “commit a crime” by their actions. Besides not in a thousand years will I know that was a One Way route.

Anyway these folks weren’t having it so we parked at the side of the road with their close supervision of course. Then a police man who looked somewhat in his fifties or sixties but actually could be in his forties came towards us and with a very hilarious accent that got us laughing he said “Children, my children how una dey which is a native slang for how are you in Nigeria, it’s nice to meet you. You know where you passed is one way bla bla bla” Fully aware of our situation and the fact we didn’t want to waste time on them we were like okay o. We are sorry we only followed your footsteps after all “the police is my friend right” The man laughed and said ehhh (e fit be, e fit no be na you fit make am happen) which in English means perhaps, perhaps not, your compliance will determine.

Anyway because the Police man or men were very much alive with us in the conversation, we resulted to indirect begging. I observed further and realised that they were four looking evidently hungry officers in the vicinity apparently rejoicing in their mind just how big a fish they must have caught, “It must be all their community members that are fishes” I replied my thought. As I expressed my thought to my cousins using a language the police men clearly didn’t understand, we knew there was going to be need for financial retribution.


As the driver of the vehicle, I came out from it and began to low key negotiate with the officers while my cousins remained in the car. Them coming out especially the one from the U.S won’t help our situation because he has a foreign accent and by implication these officers might think we have lots of money and raise their demands, something I clearly didn’t want.

When I look back at that experience, I think I said sorry over a million times, much more than what the most dreaded criminal on earth would have said but these children of darkness were undeterred. Instead they went straight to the point “you young men broke the law but because you are my children just pay us what is due and you can as well leave, a win win.” All these were said in pidgin English anyway which a lot of readers might not understand so better the translated version although I must admit in pidgin English it’s more fun ha-ha.

That aside, we ended up talking to their “staged” boss who with all openness said “you guys should simply give us some funds to look the other way, you are not the only client we are expecting” Client? Please am not in Harvard university or a Clinton I said aloud. The matter was way worse because we were in an expensive neighborhood and by that our bribing game must command good money which made me weak. Who sent me message I cried internally. Dear Isil, I think I could need some help now I joked. The police men laughed and said (after you don make us laugh finish you go put hand inside pocket commot money) which means after your comic relieve, you bring out money and hand it to us. These are the type of people that have special seats in hell.


As my cousins were not having it anymore as one of them came down from the car and handed N700 to them which is 2US dollars because in this part of the world literally everything boils down to money.

The Police boss evidently felt insulted at my cousin’s audacity. (Who una dey give this palansa money) he yelled which means who are you giving this cheap money to. You have no respect. In fact, I will lock you up. He instructed another officer to enter our car while another to jack the cousin who handed over the N700 to him into their police car and clearly said. (since una no wan pay for here jeje, una go pay over double for station) which means since you don’t want to comply in good faith, then you must as well get ready to dance to the pie…


Written by Christoph for Dami.

Picture of Dami
Dami loves to eat, flex his fine boy and travel.

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  1. Damil the legend - Reply

    A splendid piece, shows the reality of our terrible living in Nigeria.

    Good job.

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